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e_k_braveman... by Panic! at the Disco
Okay, that joke is over a decade old now, but I had to. Mostly writing this so I can send to my friends instead of having to retell the story like 20 times. Sit tight everyone, this simultaneously went better than I expected and also made me realize I truly do not understand how my mom's brain works.
A few things about my mom before we start, to give you an idea of what a rich tapestry she is:
It didn't help that as I was gearing up to tell her, she's telling me about how her girlfriend wanted to buy a gift for her deceased friend's daughter and when the father of the child said "some sort of game that can be played in a yard," my mom decided that's stupid and they should get her a girly mirror and some accessories instead. And as she was finally getting ready to hang up, I said I have one last thing I needed to share with her and it proceeded like this:
Me: "Okay so have you ever noticed how many trans friends I have?"
Her: "Sure."
Me: "And does this suggest anything to you?"
Her: "Suggest what?"
Me: "Something about me."
Her: "What about you?"
So, you know, like pulling teeth lol. But I finally said it straight, that I think I'm non-binary ("небинарна личност" for those of you who may be wondering wtf I had to say in Bulgarian), specifically both a woman and a man at the same time. And this lady hits me with the "oh everyone feels that way" and it just goes off the rails from there!
First of all, I decided that I'm not going to try to steer her into understanding how people actually work because I've actually already had A Day and also 25 years on this earth have shown me that my mother cannot be convinced of anything ever. Second of all, she then starts mansplaining[1] to me how transition will be hard, how it's not a done thing ("от днеска за утре" as we say), how you first need to make sure your hormones are already within some baseline before you start HRT, etc etc. And I'm telling her, yes, I know, you literally need months of therapy first and you're guaranteed to spend months searching for a therapist.
The whole time I kept trying to emphasize that it's not about doing it ASAP[2] it's just about removing the emotional baggage of keeping this hidden from her.[3] She did understand that part, and she told me she's going to support me in whatever I choose to do, but also we need to take care of other things first (getting a job, mainly) which yeah, that was my plan the whole time.
She then tells me she's "always" had an inkling but didn't feel the need to make it A Thing. I prompted her to elaborate and she's said I've always been a "mannish girl" (мъжко момиче) not in the insulting sense people might mean that, but in how I behave in a very independent and headstrong way. I insisted that "girlish girls" can also be those things and she was like "Have you seen them? They're always chasing after a man, like their boyfriend or their father, asking them to do stuff for them and never doing anything themselves." So I ask her, who is quite femme in appearance and mannerisms imo, if she also deems herself a mannish girl and the answer was yes, because she's independent and willing to do things herself.
Now, I could have used this opportunity to lecture my mother about misogyny and gender roles and what have you. But I decided it really isn't my fucking problem, so you know what. Fine, mom, we aren't like other girls. I gave up on being woke around you years ago anyway.
After that the conversation wound down and shifted to what I'm gonna do for the rest of the day. I then checked the company group chat because of something that happened earlier (the reason I described myself as having "A Day"), which could be its own journal entry.
In conclusion, my mom is supportive but still really sexist. But I'll take what I can get. And honestly, thinking about it, this is the only way it could have gone because nothing in my life can just be normal, it's gotta be some weird shit. Frankly, the sexism isn't even in the top 10 worst things she's done. This is her mellowed out. And yes, I love her. In a way. We would never be near each other if we weren't related but we've managed to make it work somehow. Probably by actually only being near each other like 3 times a year.
Oh well. It is what it is.
Okay, that joke is over a decade old now, but I had to. Mostly writing this so I can send to my friends instead of having to retell the story like 20 times. Sit tight everyone, this simultaneously went better than I expected and also made me realize I truly do not understand how my mom's brain works.
A few things about my mom before we start, to give you an idea of what a rich tapestry she is:
- Is bisexual. Has known she's bisexual for years. Has lived with her girlfriend for close to 10 years, 4-5 of those while I was also living with her. She only told me about all of this in like 2023. Not when I came out to her as bisexual (a year or two earlier) but when I told her my (now ex-)girlfriend is trans.
- Upon telling her about said girlfriend being trans she said, quote "Oh, now I understand why you don't want to bring her to Bulgaria. It's scary enough for normal women here, it would be even worse for her."
- She once yelled at me over repeating a silly tumblr post about how men should be the ones wearing skirts because they have balls, while pants should be for women. Yeah yeah, the post was cissexist, but she yelled at me (at 15 btw!) because it's Wrong(tm) and that's just how it is.
- She likes Ayn Rand's books unironically, but also thinks they don't push for being 100% selfish 100% of the time and the people who read them that way just didn't understand correctly.
- Her favorite GOT character is Sansa and she dislikes Daenerys.
- She's got Eldest Daughter Syndrome, her own mom is misogynistic and would very often compare her to women on TV and tell her she should be more like them, her dad was a truck driver with supreme road rage who threw her out of their home when she was 18.
- She has on several occasions tried to make me more feminine, tried to get me to wear more dresses, and will unprompted emphasize how womanly I am.
- She's worked in a beauty salon for about 20 years, the type of work famously done mostly for and by women.
It didn't help that as I was gearing up to tell her, she's telling me about how her girlfriend wanted to buy a gift for her deceased friend's daughter and when the father of the child said "some sort of game that can be played in a yard," my mom decided that's stupid and they should get her a girly mirror and some accessories instead. And as she was finally getting ready to hang up, I said I have one last thing I needed to share with her and it proceeded like this:
Me: "Okay so have you ever noticed how many trans friends I have?"
Her: "Sure."
Me: "And does this suggest anything to you?"
Her: "Suggest what?"
Me: "Something about me."
Her: "What about you?"
So, you know, like pulling teeth lol. But I finally said it straight, that I think I'm non-binary ("небинарна личност" for those of you who may be wondering wtf I had to say in Bulgarian), specifically both a woman and a man at the same time. And this lady hits me with the "oh everyone feels that way" and it just goes off the rails from there!
First of all, I decided that I'm not going to try to steer her into understanding how people actually work because I've actually already had A Day and also 25 years on this earth have shown me that my mother cannot be convinced of anything ever. Second of all, she then starts mansplaining[1] to me how transition will be hard, how it's not a done thing ("от днеска за утре" as we say), how you first need to make sure your hormones are already within some baseline before you start HRT, etc etc. And I'm telling her, yes, I know, you literally need months of therapy first and you're guaranteed to spend months searching for a therapist.
The whole time I kept trying to emphasize that it's not about doing it ASAP[2] it's just about removing the emotional baggage of keeping this hidden from her.[3] She did understand that part, and she told me she's going to support me in whatever I choose to do, but also we need to take care of other things first (getting a job, mainly) which yeah, that was my plan the whole time.
She then tells me she's "always" had an inkling but didn't feel the need to make it A Thing. I prompted her to elaborate and she's said I've always been a "mannish girl" (мъжко момиче) not in the insulting sense people might mean that, but in how I behave in a very independent and headstrong way. I insisted that "girlish girls" can also be those things and she was like "Have you seen them? They're always chasing after a man, like their boyfriend or their father, asking them to do stuff for them and never doing anything themselves." So I ask her, who is quite femme in appearance and mannerisms imo, if she also deems herself a mannish girl and the answer was yes, because she's independent and willing to do things herself.
Now, I could have used this opportunity to lecture my mother about misogyny and gender roles and what have you. But I decided it really isn't my fucking problem, so you know what. Fine, mom, we aren't like other girls. I gave up on being woke around you years ago anyway.
After that the conversation wound down and shifted to what I'm gonna do for the rest of the day. I then checked the company group chat because of something that happened earlier (the reason I described myself as having "A Day"), which could be its own journal entry.
In conclusion, my mom is supportive but still really sexist. But I'll take what I can get. And honestly, thinking about it, this is the only way it could have gone because nothing in my life can just be normal, it's gotta be some weird shit. Frankly, the sexism isn't even in the top 10 worst things she's done. This is her mellowed out. And yes, I love her. In a way. We would never be near each other if we weren't related but we've managed to make it work somehow. Probably by actually only being near each other like 3 times a year.
Oh well. It is what it is.
[1] I'm using this word very deliberately for Ms. Everyone Feels Bigender here.
[2] Well, I mean. It has gotten to the point where I wanted to start working towards it. But she doesn't need to know that.
[3] This part is true.
